Almost nightly I wake up in the middle of the night and, once I've realized where I am, my heart starts to pound and my breathing becomes rapid. I feel a sense of panic. After a few moments I calm down, but then I lay awake in bed with all sorts of thoughts and questions, like, "What am I doing here!?!" I sleep well and most of the night only about every third or fourth night. Yikes!
We've only been here two months. I've known my husband since 2003. Ever since we became a couple we have talked about how we wanted to move somewhere (we had many locations in mind) and soak up the culture and "start over". I am very confused. I like it here. I even love some aspects of living here. But I also wonder if this was a good decision. The first six weeks here I was utterly depressed. I had fleeting moments of joy when we were outside on the beach or exploring by car. Then I would spend a few days that I did not leave our building - not good for my soul!
I began a blog at the beginning of 2010. I knew 2010 was going to be a rollercoaster year. I hoped for many changes in my life. (I had no idea!) I planned to loose weight. I hoped for 50 pounds. (I was thrilled that I managed 20!) I was going to completely abstain from alcohol. (Yeah, right!) I was going to retire. (And I did, thank God.) Thank God! I managed to make it 32 years and earn my pension! Then I was going to get back to my art and paint. ( Nope.) I only kept the blog up a short time. I was very whiny and negative. And, once people I knew started reading it I found I was "editing" the content - I wasn't writing what I was really thinking. But I wish now I'd kept it up, because so much happened after that and the last thing I ever ever dreamed at the beginning of 2010 was that by the end of the year my husband and I would be living here!
Well, whether it was a good decision or not, here I am. I wrote to my friend who lives wwwaaaayyyy over on the other side of the country that I hope when our year here is over that I'll be very happy to have been here and experienced it. I know that how I feel about this place is largely how I DECIDE to feel about it. And this afternoon, finally, I went out to the beach on my own late afternoon. Jon was playing golf. As I sat there I realized that THIS IS FLORIDA! I'm living the life people dream of. I don't know how long we'll be here. Maybe a year, maybe more. I thought to myself that in the time I have here I darned well ought to insist on a lot of beach time, and outdoor time in general. Soak up and embrace Florida. What is my problem, anyway?
Welcome to my blog. Maybe we'll learn some things together. My main purpose for doing this is in the hopes that I will learn something. Something about myself. Something about how to accept and enjoy my own life as it is. At Christmas a friend asked me if I was feeling mellow now that I was in Florida. As I answered her I realized it for the first time in my own life. "I don't think I've ever been mellow." I need to change that. I need to UNLAX!!!
